Mom's Campaign Manager Speaks!

This is Texino the campaign manager and cut man.

We are obviously hanging around waiting for some matching funds and looking at some designer platforms. We have some basic advantages in that our candidate is very bright, is trained in the law but, importantly, does not hold a law degree. Another thing is she is attractive and the sexually active voter would not have to make any kind of stretch to imagine being in a relationship with the petite President. I mean check it at the door, the only woman in the present admin with any gear at all is Condie Rice and she is probably a virgin. Now I don't want people getting the idea that ENM has loose morals. Not at all; I'm just saying she is not some uptight know it all like some other Gals who might be running. We will talk some more on this or any subject because ENM is not afraid to say what needs to be said and do it in a way where there will be little chance of misunderstanding.

Check this out. Now I have not OK'd this with Mom yet but it's a good idea and she's bound to like it. Say we catch Osama Bin Laden. I am calling this a capital punishment no-brainer. After all, he keeps showing up on video tape reminding everyone that he is the guy, right? OK? Well lets set up a decent execution. Firing Squad would work. Puts him outside where a lot of folks could watch. Now right before we give him the gun, we will say "Do you have anything you would like to say?" Well, you know he will, so right as he gets ready to lay it down about Allah and all that, we get Mr. Bill Gates himself to come out and paste Osama in the face with a big cream pie! Then we shoot him. How about that folks? Osama going to say nothing with a face and mouth full of pie and Gates is always getting hit with pies himself, but he has turned out to be an OK guy, so let him give the signal and it's going to look funny so even little kids can watch and no one will call politically incorrect. What you think?

Pretty sweet! OK, I'm Texino campaign manager and cut man. I'm not running for anything, but how about you check out Elfniño's Mom for President!

ElfNinosMom Announces Presidential Platform

The following is my platform for the presidency. Bear in mind that, like all good politicians and all women, I reserve the right to change my mind at any time.


Remove all US troops from Iraq. Enact strict non-intervention foreign affairs policy.

Remove tax exemption from "Church" of Scientology, and stop tax breaks for its members.

Prove Darwin right. Legalize all drugs for use by people over 21, since they're going to use them anyway if that's what they want to do, with the caveat that drugs must be ingested on private property so as not to infringe upon the rights of others to be free of drugs. Provide needle replacement program for IV drug abusers, paid for from the proceeds of drug sales, to help stop the spread of HIV among the non-drug-using population.

Stiffen penalties for providing drugs to, or using drugs in the presence of, anyone under age 21.

Start realistic anti-drug campaign for teenagers, funded by revenue generated from drug sales, with emphasis on rock stars dead from drug abuse. No teenager is going to listen to the President's spouse telling them to "Just Say No", and it's idiotic to think otherwise. However, it will scare the living hell out of them if they see the stark reality - rather than the MTV version - of what drugs did to their heroes.

Lower legal drinking age to 18. If you're old enough to die defending this country, you're old enough to drink.

Heighten penalties for financial fraud. Too many of these scammers are getting away with their crimes, and they usually target the most vulnerable. This must stop.

Enact and enforce laws requiring Congress and the President to provide a balanced budget and erase National Debt.

End governmental support of the Arts outside the academic arena. Art will find a way to support itself, if necessary, through other means.

Require pharmaceutical companies to provide lifesaving drugs free of charge to underprivileged population.

Enact national program to increase health care access for the poor, and pay for it with proceeds from drug sales. Agree to pay for medical school expenses, along with a yearly stipend, for any doctor who agrees to serve the underprivileged population for five years after becoming licensed. To encourage our best and brightest to participate give those doctors first priority in government bidding and hiring, not unlike we already do with veterans entering federal civil service, upon successful completion of the five-year program.

Reinstate full VA medical benefits for honorably-discharged veterans. Our veterans put their lives on the line to protect us, and the very least we can do is care for them when they are ill. Increase monthly payments to disabled veterans, since those payments have not come close to keeping up with inflation.

Require all children to attend school until age 18 or graduation, whichever occurs first. Increase pay for teachers, as well as minimum competency requirements. Pay teachers in complicated subjects - higher math, advanced science - more than other teachers. Require competency exam for parents who wish to homeschool their children.

Require standardized examination on all core subjects prior to high school graduation. No one should ever graduate high school without being able to read for comprehension and balance a checkbook. Stop the use of calculators in math class, unless it is strictly to instruct on how to use a given calculator. Do not allow teachers to show their students popular movies as a substitute for teaching. Require that teachers instruct students on real-life subjects, such as how credit works, to help stop the increasing number of bankruptcies and other financial failure.

Encourage student scholarships to private and/or religious schools, to be funded by the private sector.

Stop social security welfare. Tighten restrictions on those who collect disability payments to those who literally cannot work. Accordingly, stop disability payments for all but the most severe mental illnesses, and stop it altogether for alcohol and drug abuse. Enact a temporary bridge-the-gap program to train those currently on disability who could work. On the other hand, make it easier for those with severe life-threatening illnesses, such as Parkinson's Disease and terminal cancer, to receive social security benefits more quickly.

Require all judicial positions to be filled by popular vote, rather than political appointment.

Return to paper ballot system in elections to help prevent fraud.

Provide strict criminal penalties for awarding government contracts to political cronies.

Prohibit drug testing in jobs except where it can be shown to be necessary. I don't care if the 7-11 clerk is stoned. I do care if the person flying the plane I'm on is stoned.

Prohibit credit checks as a condition of employment, except where the person has a fiduciary responsibility. A person's credit report is their own, and should not be accessed by anyone except when necessary. Too many good people who ran into financial difficulty are being denied jobs on the basis of (sometimes erroneous) credit reports.

End property taxes. No one should have to pay taxes just to keep something they already own.

Enact a law against eminent domain except when the government can prove the property is needed for a legitimate governmental purpose, and except when the property owner is paid fair market value plus 10% for their trouble.

Mom Answers Important Questions From Opponent

For anybody who doesn't think I'm a serious candidate, think again. I got some very important questions on this blog already, and I just announced my campaign today.

That's what happens when your last name is unique yet instantly recognizable around the world. My opponents have no chance against me. No chance at all.

What follows is my response to Libertarian Presidential Candidate Kent McManigal and I'm sure everyone will find those answers to be both brilliant and thought-provoking.

Hiya, Kent, and thanks for blogging. That's showing good leadership.

I will answer your very important issue questions in the order received, although of course like any good President I reserve the right to later say I didn't say what I said:

"Wanna debate?"

Sure, that would be a lot of fun. We could have the very first blogospheric debates in history. Sure, it'll be a pain in the ass for people to go back and forth between our blogs, but that's their problem, not ours.


"Paper or plastic?"

Paper. Plastic takes too long to biodegrade and, even more importantly, it doesn't keep my groceries upright in the trunk.


"Do you plan any hunger strikes?"

I would, except that, if I lost too much weight, everybody would then automatically assume I'm a supermodel rather than a serious Presidential candidate. I therefore don't see the publicity value in starving myself, unless of course I simultaneously shave my head, wear a toga, perform an exorcism, and threaten to set myself on fire.


"If not togas, what about suits of armor?"

I can wear a dress ... er, I mean, a toga ... without looking like a really ugly cross-dresser. My opponent Gene Chapman can't make that claim, and I doubt you can either. That's yet another important reason why everyone in America should vote for "Mom" in the 2008 elections!

I'm kinda petite, so the suit of armor might be a bit much for me. I might make my Halloween Advisor wear one, though.


"Does it really depend on what the definition of "is" is?"

Yes, it does, and in fact that is the most important question facing our great country today. See, "is" is a real word, unless you're under investigation while President. Then, its definition mysteriously becomes so ambiguous that not even Daniel Webster could define it. I plan to use that Presidential prerogative to my full advantage, especially if Brad Pitt visits the White House.


"Does this make my butt look fat?"

No, your butt does not look fat in that. Wait a minute - are you trying to tell me that my butt looks fat in this? Damn, now I'm going to have to change clothes. Gee, thanks, Kent. Thanks a lot.

Mom announces Campaign Advisors

Mom announced her campaign staff today, much to the consternation of those named.

Campaign Advisor: Tommy Texino.

Musical Advisor: "Weird" Al Yankovic.

Halloween Advisor: Stephen King

Drug Czar: Tommy Chong.

"I fully expect to add more advisors later, but this initial list will show people just how serious I am about this campaign", Mom stated.

Anyone interested in becoming a campaign advisor should leave a comment, explaining which position they seek, and their qualifications for that position.

ElfNinosMom Announces Campaign Theme Songs

Presidential Candidate ElfNinos Mom announced today that she will enact a revolutionary way to attract voters from all walks of life: use multiple campaign songs. "I just thought I needed something that wingnuts of every flavor can relate to", she said in a telephone interview today. "The Democrats won't like the same song as the Libertarians, and the Libertarians won't like the same songs as the Republicans. You get the idea."

The decision of which songs to use, however, wasn't easy. "Do you have any idea how much crap I had to listen to? I thought my ears were going to bleed before it was over with!"

Ms. Mom finally made a decision, though, thanks to the good old-fashioned common sense for which she is known. "I had to find something that would reflect the various segments of our society, but it had to be something I could stomach as well since I'll have to listen to them over and over again. We all know Bush engaged in public vomiting, and that didn't work out very well for him. Besides, I want people to laugh with me, not at me."

There were some serious considerations, though. "If I'm going to offend one part of the population, I have to be politically correct and offend them all equally." At the same time, Ms. Mom was very careful to not repeat the mistakes made in previous elections. "There's just no way I'm going to use any of that "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow" crap."

Ms. Mom finally decided on the following songs to start her campaign:

For the Libertarians: "Hash Pipe" by Weezer


For the Democrats: "Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger


For the Republicans: "Man In The Box" by Alice In Chains


For the Religious Right: "God Am" by Alice In Chains


"This is the most important decision this campaign will face," Ms. Mom stated. "I'm not going to rush it, though I might eventually Rush it. I'll have to come up with more songs to fit other segments of society, but this will get us started."

ElfNinosMom Announces 2008 Presidential Campaign

For General Release:

Author, journalist, and general-purpose smartass ElfNinos Mom has announced her intention to seek the 2008 Presidential Nomination from all US political parties, including but not limited to the Democratic, Republican, Green, and Libertarian parties.

Asked why she is running a pseudo-campaign, Mom replied, "Look, evil prevails when good men (and women) fail to act. You know, and I know, that no one outside the mainstream is going to win this election. But look around us. There is evil everywhere, especially in the upper echelons of our government. By evil, I'm not referring to a biblical type of evil, but simply men and women who are beyond amoral when it comes to their chosen cause. I may not be able to win, but if I can reach the minds and hearts of some, whether through serious statements or humor, and make them realize that we have no choice but to stand up to the powers that be if we are to end this evil and take back our country, then my actions - or antics, as the case may be - will not have been in vain."

Asked why she was running for the nomination of so many different parties, when she herself is a Democrat-turned-Libertarian, she responded, "Why should I put all my eggs in one basket? If one party doesn't like me, another one will. It doesn't matter what party I'm representing, because my views are my views, and that won't change no matter what label is placed on them. Plus, I'm looking forward to making 200K a year for pissing off millions of people every time I open my mouth."

Asked to comment on her competition, Mom stated, "Well, look at them. In the Libertarian Party we've got a guy who wears a toga, a filthy-mouthed comedian, a pothead, a worldwide ink demand specialist (whatever the hell that is), and a wannabe model/actress who seems to be stalking the ghost of John Denver. In the Green Party, we've got .... well, the same people who always run, and always lose. In the Democratic Party, we've got some guy who's not much more than a child, with only one term in Congress, which he thinks qualifies him for the Presidency. We've got the wife of an ex-President, known mostly for turning the other cheek when her husband was acting like a man-whore. In the Republican Party, we've got mostly a bunch of short-bus graduates from families with money and Ron Paul, who has some decent ideas but otherwise is a laughingstock since he seems to be at least peripherally connected to groups like the 9-11 truthers. I'm just as qualified as any of them, since at least my sanity isn't in question, and my name - "Mom" - is the most highly recognized and respected name in the world. There's nothing more American than Mom, as we are all well aware. So I figure I'll win in a landslide, especially if I use a catchy campaign song."

Mom will announce her platform, campaign song, and campaign staff in the coming days, all of which is expected to contain some surprises. "I can't tell you details right now, but I guarantee you'll be astonished at the level of expertise I sought."