Official Website of Leading Presidential Pseudo-Candidate, ElfNinos Mom

Mom Answers Important Question About Urination Accuracy

noreply@blogger.com (Editor) — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 20:24:00 +0000

In response to my statement regarding urinal cakes and No. 2 pencils, my supporter Webhick was posed yet another question:

Male urination accuracy is a conundrum. They can write their name in the snow, but when you walk into the bathroom at two in the morning, the floor around the toilet is wet.

How do you propose to prevent men's rooms across this fine country from being a permanent slip-fall hazard?

That's a very good question, Webhick. Thank you for asking.

Not only are men's rooms a slip-fall hazard due to faulty directional acuity on the part of many men, they are also hygiene hazards. In other words, peeing on the floor is just plain nasty. Do women pee on the floor? Of course not! So where is the equality, I ask you?

As part of my comprehensive program to stop Zombies from eating the urinal cakes, by removing urinals from all bathrooms in federal facilities, I intend to start a national program to teach men across this great country to employ proper bathroom habits. Females don't pee standing up, so why should men? Furthermore, this will further my intention to force men into the traditionally female position of waiting for stalls, as part of my equal treatment for the sexes proposition.

I envision an America where bathrooms across this great country are no longer befouled by misdirected urine. I envision an America where males and females alike are subjected to the same bathroom conditions. I envision an America where we are all completely equal when it comes to bathroom habits. No more will women be forced to step in urine in the middle of the night. No more will men walk right into a stall, while women have to wait. We will finally be on equal footing, without anyone having to worry about losing that footing due to smelly nasty urine on the bathroom floor.

Does that sound like the America you'd like to see too? If so, remember: Vote Mom In '08!

Mom Supports Gaye Rights, Capitol Punishment

noreply@blogger.com (Editor) — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 19:55:00 +0000

Thanks to Jake Porter of the George Phillies For President campaign, I have decided that I should make my stance on a couple of issues known to all.

I am fully in support of Gaye rights. I think Marvin has all kinds of rights, even though he's now a zombie thanks to my Campaign Manager and Hoodoo Master, Texino. In fact, when I win the White House, I fully intend to have entertainment provided by Marvin, as proof of my support for this important issue.

Needless to say, I also support Gaye marriage. I think Marvin should be able to get married to anyone he wants, and the fact that anyone would think otherwise just shows that many voters don't understand this important issue!

I also support capitol punishment. I think everyone in the capitol should be punished severely, since politicians are inherently evil (except me, of course). I don't have any preferences as to form of punishment, however, but I'm open to suggestions from voters.

See, even alleged supporters of other presidential candidates support Mom, since they come to me for help with very important issues which they haven't even shared with their own candidate! Thanks, Jake!

Testing reveals that Mom thinks like a Founding Mother!

noreply@blogger.com (Editor) — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 21:07:00 +0000

What Kind of Libertarian Are You? Your Result: Classical Liberal Classical liberals agree with the words of the Declaration of Independence: That all people have basic human rights, and that the sole legitimate function of government is to protect those rights. Most of the Founding Fathers, and most of the European philosophers who influenced them, were classical liberals.
Geolibertarian
Paleolibertarian
Libertarian Partisan
Neolibertarian
Objectivist
Anarchist
Anarcho-Capitalist
What Kind of Libertarian Are You? Make Your Own Quiz

Mom continues sing-along with America

noreply@blogger.com (Editor) — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 20:38:00 +0000

"Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen is a song which describes this campaign very well. Except that I'm not a man. And I'm not gay. But I do want the male vote as well as the gay vote (not to mention the vote of Queen fans), so sing along with me!

Lyrics for sing-along:

Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good time
I feel alive
And the world, turning inside out, yeah
I'm floating around in ecstasy, so
Don't stop me now
Don't stop me
'Cause I'm having a good time, having a good time

I'm a shooting star leaping through the sky
Like a tiger
Defying the laws of gravity
I'm a racing car passing by
Like Lady Godiva
I'm gonna go go go
There's no stopping me

I'm burning through the sky, yeah
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit
I'm trav'ling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic man out of you

Don't stop me now
I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball
Don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time
Just give me a call
Don't stop me now ('Cause I'm having a good time)
Don't stop me now (Yes I'm having a good time)
I don't want to stop at all

I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars
On a collision course
I am a satellite, I'm out of control
I'm a sex machine ready to reload
Like an atom bomb, about to
Oh oh oh oh oh explode

I'm burning through the sky, yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit
I'm trav'ling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic woman of you

Don't stop me, don't stop me, don't stop me
Hey hey hey!
Don't stop me, don't stop me
Ooh ooh ooh (I like it)
Don't stop me, don't stop me
Have a good time, good time
Don't stop me, don't stop me
Ooh ooh Alright

Oh, I'm burning through the sky, yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit
I'm trav'ling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic man out of you

Don't stop me now
I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball
Don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time
Just give me a call
Don't stop me now ('Cause I'm having a good time)
Don't stop me now (Yes I'm having a good time)
I don't wanna stop at all

La la la la laaaa
La la la la
La la laa laa laa laaa
La la laa la la la la laaa ....

Mom answers important question from campaign supporter

noreply@blogger.com (Editor) — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 19:52:00 +0000

Quoth Webhick: "It is an excellent idea to utilize the Zombies as Federal non-employees. But Illuminati tests have conclusively proven that zombies will either gather in the men's bathroom and eat the urinal cakes or eat the No.2 pencils. How do you intend to prevent this from occurring?"

That's a fascinating question, Webhick; and how interesting that you should ask about both "number one" and "number two"!

The American people deserve an answer to this very important question, though; and as usual, only Mom knows how to solve the very real problems facing our great country today.

Certainly, the propensity of zombies to eat urinal cakes and No. 2 pencils is a serious concern for America. In rest stops, gas stations, and bars across our country, urinal cakes are greatly needed and are not generally replaced after they are eaten. In federal facilities for agencies such as the US Postal Service and Internal Revenue Service, where zombies far outnumber humans, urinal cakes and No. 2 pencils are now in great demand, as a result of the very problem which you have noted; yet the mainstream press has suppressed this serious problem from being exposed to the American people.

My plan for alleviating these problems is brilliant, yet simple. I shall enter an Executive Order upon election, dictating that no urinal cakes be utilized in any men's bathroom where zombies are employed. This means that men will be forced to use toilets rather than urinals, but I think they will eventually adjust since the average home does not have urinals, but only toilets. This will also alleviate the problem of men secretly comparing size while urinating side by side.

Insofar as the amount of money my plan will cost the government in increased water usage, I would instruct men using federal bathroom facilities to use the rule of "if it's yellow, let it mellow; if it's brown, flush it down". This should in fact cause a significant savings to the federal government, which will be passed on to the taxpayers in the form of tax breaks for non-urinal usage.

Eventually, I would like to remove urinals across the country, not only to solve this problem, but also so that men will finally find out what it's like to be forced to wait for a stall. I believe in full equality, after all.

The pencil problem is a little less complicated, luckily. I shall simply enter an Executive Order dictating that No. 2 pencils shall not be used in any federal facility. They can instead use No. 1 pencils, which are softer but write darker; or No. 3 pencils, which are harder but write more lightly. They can also use pens, if they wish.

Thank you for your very important question, Webhick, and remember: Vote Mom in '08!

Mom Supports Impeachment of President Bush, Initiation of War Crimes Tribunal

noreply@blogger.com (Editor) — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 20:27:00 +0000

Leading Libertarian presidential pseudo-candidate ElfNinos Mom has been busy working behind the scenes, studying the issues and the will of the people, but now her campaign is back in full swing, with Ms. Mom supporting the impeachment of both President Bush and Vice-President Cheney, as permitted in the United States Constitution for high crimes and misdemeanors.

There can be no doubt that the President knew, before he deployed troops to Iraq, that Iraq did not attack the United States on September 11, 2001. There also can be no doubt that the President knew that Iraq possessed no weapons of mass destruction (WMDs) prior to deployment. Yet to date, thousands of young American soldiers have been killed in this war based on lies and deception. Over 27,000 American soldiers have been wounded, then refused proper medical care. Those numbers don't include soldiers who made it home, then committed suicide as a result of the government's failure to provide appropriate mental health treatment. They also don't include the number of innocent Iraqi citizens murdered, and some have estimated those numbers to be well above 100,000.

George W. Bush is a mass murderer, clear and simple. As if that's not bad enough, he has caused the United States to become viewed as a murderous pariah among the rest of the world, which will undoubtedly result in further attacks on our soil.

In 2006, US citizens, as a clear statement against the war and Republican warmongerers, voted in a Democratic Congress. Many of those Congressman spoke of impeachment and of removing the troops, prior to election. Following election, they have done nothing to stop the bloodshed. They merely pay lip service, so they can later say they acted against the war, but in truth they are every bit the warmongering cretins the Republicans have proven themselves to be. Not even one of them has formally called for impeachment.

Even Libertarian demi-god, Republican Congressman Ron Paul, has taken no action to impeach Bush. That being the case, one must ask, is he merely paying lip service to the anti-war movement as well?

What is wrong with this picture? Is Congress as a whole so bereft of morals that they are going to allow these atrocities to continue? Apparently so, in a nation where getting a blowjob is an impeachable offense, but repeatedly lying to Congress and the American people is just business as usual.

Mom Returns Voters To A Simpler Time With Sing-Alongs

noreply@blogger.com (Editor) — Wed, 11 Oct 2006 12:01:00 +0000

"As you know, I am a values-stance candidate" Mom has stated. "My values may not be the values of the Clinton or Bush political families, but they more closely express the values of the average American. Music is a universal language, and anything that gets the American people united as one voice, is good for the country as a whole."

To that end, Mom's Presidential Campaign is posting videos and printing the words to her various campaign songs, to encourage supporters to join her in a good old-fashioned sing-along. "It's hard to sing along if you don't know the words" is a catch phrase for which Mom is well known. "Don't expect any 'Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow' crap from my campaign, though", Mom warns.

This first song, "River of Deceit" by Mad Season, refers to the neverending lies and brainwashing committed by the Bush Administration, against the American people.

My pain is self-chosen
At least so the prophet says
I could either burn
Or cut off my pride and buy some time
A head full of lies is a weight tied to my waist

The river of deceit flows down
The only direction we go is down

My pain is self-chosen
At least, I believe it to be
I could either drown
Or pull off my skin and swim to shore
Now I can grow a beautiful shell for all to see

The river of deceit flows down
The only direction we go is down

My pain is self-chosen
Our pain is self-chosen

The following song, "Long Gone Day" by the same band, represents the freedom we once knew, which now is just a distant memory thanks to the Patriot Act and other Bush atrocities against our civil rights; but thanks to the true American spirit, is never really gone.

So much blood I'm starting to drown
It runs from cold to colder
Time to time the sky's coming down
To help me lose my way

Tears and lies for answers
You and open flame, God knows I'm gone
Girl I just want you to
Come on down

Lord it's a storm and I'm heading to fall
These sins are mine and I've done wrong, oh babe
Come on down, come on down, my babe I know

It's been a long gone day
Who ever said we ever wash away with the rain?

See you all from time to time
Isn't it so strange
How far away we all are now
Am I the only one who remembers that summer?

Oh, I remember
Everyday each time the place was saved
The music that we made
The wind has carried all of that away

Long gone day
Who ever said we wash away with the rain?

So many tears I'm starting to drown
The rains in heaven all come down
Silver spoons affix the crown
The luckless ones are broken

Fears and lies for answers
You and open flames
God knows I'm gone
And I just want you to
Come on down

Lord it's a storm and I'm heading to fall
These sins are mine and I've done wrong
Oh babe, come on down

I fear again, like then, I've lost my way
Shout to God to bring my sunny day

Mom Answers Important Questions From Phillies Campaign!

noreply@blogger.com (Editor) — Sun, 01 Oct 2006 18:01:00 +0000

I don't like to say "I told you so" but .... I told you so! I'm a very, very important candidate, sure to win, which is why so many extremely important people keep visiting my blog!

Folks, please say hello to Jake "Liberty" Porter, from the George Phillies campaign. Jake does a real bang-up job over at the Phillies campaign site. He also volunteers his time keeping the giant mutant turtle population under control, as you can see quite clearly in this action pic.

Welcome to my campaign site, Jake, and thanks for blogging! That's showing good leadership!

I shall answer your extremely important questions in the order in which they were received.

"Do you support forcing candidates to blog?".

Jake, that's an excellent question. See, I support forcing candidates to do a lot of things. For example, I strongly support forcing candidates cover their genitalia while in public, and I support forcing them to use the restroom facilities rather than allowing them to soil themselves in public.

I do not support forced blogging, though, and I'll tell you why.

Presidential candidates (except me, of course) will tell all kinds of wild tales if they're forced to blog. Some will do it to break the tedium, some will do it just to see if anybody's paying attention, and some will do it to "stick it to the Man". One will do it because he's a pathological liar. For example, a candidate may say that he has two women ready and willing to bear his children as part of some weirdo breeding program designed to help him win the White House, when the truth is that the candidate in question couldn't get laid even if he had a fistful of money in a Phillipine whorehouse.

I therefore strongly believe that all candidates should be given the option to blog, but I do not think it should be forced upon them as a condition of candidacy. In fact, I would go so far as to say that anybody who supports forced blogging is, by definition, a frickin' 'tard.

"Are you a communist like that George Phillies guy who I work for?"

Well, Jake, I do not have the finely honed scientific mind of Professor Phillies, but at the same time, I have a knockout body and my face won't make you hurl, either. I'm no slouch in the brains department, either; while I don't want to brag about my IQ, let's just say I'm smarter than the average supermodel.

Some people bandy about the word "communism" as if they actually attended and passed a high school level PolySci class. The truth is, most people using that word willy-nilly have no idea what it means.

There are even some people who claims that socialism and communism are the same thing, and those people tend to use the term "Socialist/Communist". I always laugh when I see that, because they don't realize just how stupid it makes them appear to smart people like us.

However, to clear up a misconception so common among the Illiterati, socialism and communism are not the same thing at all. Socialism is a desire to live in a utopian society; however, it can never thrive because human nature dictates that one or more people will always desire to rule others. In a true socialist society, there are no rulers, and there is no need for rulers. Therefore, Socialism only becomes Communism when real, living, breathing human beings enter the picture. Unfortunately, there's only one way to avoid that.

My campaign manager, Tommy Texino, not only runs the Panama Canal; he also is a Hoodoo Master. In layman's terms, that means that he knows how to make zombies. Now, I'm not talking about zombies like you see in the movies; those zombies are just make-believe. No, I mean that he makes real zombies, which are created for one and only one reason: to obey their master. I intend to fully utilize Texino's zombies to full advantage during my campaign and, once elected - which we all know is a sure thing - during my presidency.

While some people believe that the Internal Revenue Service is a foreign corporation operating under color of the Federal Alcohol Administration, this is not true. The Internal Revenue Service is, in reality, a testing ground for zombies. While there are still a few kinks to work out - for example, that they lack any discernable sense of humor - the program has overall been a resounding success. We have even begun to engage zombies in other federal jobs as well - such as the Postal Service and the Bureau of Land Management - and I will continue this very important program as a top priority when I am elected President.

Zombies don't require anything except somebody to tell them what to do, and when to do it. There is no law requiring that Zombies be compensated, which will save the American people untold millions each year. And, what person is better at telling others what to do than Mom? Given the burgeoning Zombie population in this country, staring glassy-eyed into televisions every night across this great land, I clearly am the only reasonable choice for President!

So, if you consider the Zombie portion of the population, then yes, I am a Communist, in that I and I alone will decide what the Zombies need, when they need it, and what they should do with every moment of their time (I originally planned for them to eat the brains of Republicans, but found out they don't have any. I'm working on alternative tasks for the Zs, though, and I'll let you know when I have it worked out). However, I am quite different when it comes to still-living human beings. I believe live human beings should be allowed to do whatever they want to do, as long as they're not hurting anyone else.

I hope that answers your questions, Jake, and once again, thanks for stopping by!

Mom's Campaign Manager Speaks!

noreply@blogger.com (Editor) — Sat, 30 Sep 2006 17:31:00 +0000

This is Texino the campaign manager and cut man.

We are obviously hanging around waiting for some matching funds and looking at some designer platforms. We have some basic advantages in that our candidate is very bright, is trained in the law but, importantly, does not hold a law degree. Another thing is she is attractive and the sexually active voter would not have to make any kind of stretch to imagine being in a relationship with the petite President. I mean check it at the door, the only woman in the present admin with any gear at all is Condie Rice and she is probably a virgin. Now I don't want people getting the idea that ENM has loose morals. Not at all; I'm just saying she is not some uptight know it all like some other Gals who might be running. We will talk some more on this or any subject because ENM is not afraid to say what needs to be said and do it in a way where there will be little chance of misunderstanding.

Check this out. Now I have not OK'd this with Mom yet but it's a good idea and she's bound to like it. Say we catch Osama Bin Laden. I am calling this a capital punishment no-brainer. After all, he keeps showing up on video tape reminding everyone that he is the guy, right? OK? Well lets set up a decent execution. Firing Squad would work. Puts him outside where a lot of folks could watch. Now right before we give him the gun, we will say "Do you have anything you would like to say?" Well, you know he will, so right as he gets ready to lay it down about Allah and all that, we get Mr. Bill Gates himself to come out and paste Osama in the face with a big cream pie! Then we shoot him. How about that folks? Osama going to say nothing with a face and mouth full of pie and Gates is always getting hit with pies himself, but he has turned out to be an OK guy, so let him give the signal and it's going to look funny so even little kids can watch and no one will call politically incorrect. What you think?

Pretty sweet! OK, I'm Texino campaign manager and cut man. I'm not running for anything, but how about you check out Elfniño's Mom for President!

ElfNinosMom Announces Presidential Platform

noreply@blogger.com (Editor) — Sat, 16 Sep 2006 18:11:00 +0000

The following is my platform for the presidency. Bear in mind that, like all good politicians and all women, I reserve the right to change my mind at any time.

Remove all US troops from Iraq. Enact strict non-intervention foreign affairs policy.

Remove tax exemption from "Church" of Scientology, and stop tax breaks for its members.

Prove Darwin right. Legalize all drugs for use by people over 21, since they're going to use them anyway if that's what they want to do, with the caveat that drugs must be ingested on private property so as not to infringe upon the rights of others to be free of drugs. Provide needle replacement program for IV drug abusers, paid for from the proceeds of drug sales, to help stop the spread of HIV among the non-drug-using population.

Stiffen penalties for providing drugs to, or using drugs in the presence of, anyone under age 21.

Start realistic anti-drug campaign for teenagers, funded by revenue generated from drug sales, with emphasis on rock stars dead from drug abuse. No teenager is going to listen to the President's spouse telling them to "Just Say No", and it's idiotic to think otherwise. However, it will scare the living hell out of them if they see the stark reality - rather than the MTV version - of what drugs did to their heroes.

Lower legal drinking age to 18. If you're old enough to die defending this country, you're old enough to drink.

Heighten penalties for financial fraud. Too many of these scammers are getting away with their crimes, and they usually target the most vulnerable. This must stop.

Enact and enforce laws requiring Congress and the President to provide a balanced budget and erase National Debt.

End governmental support of the Arts outside the academic arena. Art will find a way to support itself, if necessary, through other means.

Require pharmaceutical companies to provide lifesaving drugs free of charge to underprivileged population.

Enact national program to increase health care access for the poor, and pay for it with proceeds from drug sales. Agree to pay for medical school expenses, along with a yearly stipend, for any doctor who agrees to serve the underprivileged population for five years after becoming licensed. To encourage our best and brightest to participate give those doctors first priority in government bidding and hiring, not unlike we already do with veterans entering federal civil service, upon successful completion of the five-year program.

Reinstate full VA medical benefits for honorably-discharged veterans. Our veterans put their lives on the line to protect us, and the very least we can do is care for them when they are ill. Increase monthly payments to disabled veterans, since those payments have not come close to keeping up with inflation.

Require all children to attend school until age 18 or graduation, whichever occurs first. Increase pay for teachers, as well as minimum competency requirements. Pay teachers in complicated subjects - higher math, advanced science - more than other teachers. Require competency exam for parents who wish to homeschool their children.

Require standardized examination on all core subjects prior to high school graduation. No one should ever graduate high school without being able to read for comprehension and balance a checkbook. Stop the use of calculators in math class, unless it is strictly to instruct on how to use a given calculator. Do not allow teachers to show their students popular movies as a substitute for teaching. Require that teachers instruct students on real-life subjects, such as how credit works, to help stop the increasing number of bankruptcies and other financial failure.

Encourage student scholarships to private and/or religious schools, to be funded by the private sector.

Stop social security welfare. Tighten restrictions on those who collect disability payments to those who literally cannot work. Accordingly, stop disability payments for all but the most severe mental illnesses, and stop it altogether for alcohol and drug abuse. Enact a temporary bridge-the-gap program to train those currently on disability who could work. On the other hand, make it easier for those with severe life-threatening illnesses, such as Parkinson's Disease and terminal cancer, to receive social security benefits more quickly.

Require all judicial positions to be filled by popular vote, rather than political appointment.

Return to paper ballot system in elections to help prevent fraud.

Provide strict criminal penalties for awarding government contracts to political cronies.

Prohibit drug testing in jobs except where it can be shown to be necessary. I don't care if the 7-11 clerk is stoned. I do care if the person flying the plane I'm on is stoned.

Prohibit credit checks as a condition of employment, except where the person has a fiduciary responsibility. A person's credit report is their own, and should not be accessed by anyone except when necessary. Too many good people who ran into financial difficulty are being denied jobs on the basis of (sometimes erroneous) credit reports.

End property taxes. No one should have to pay taxes just to keep something they already own.

Enact a law against eminent domain except when the government can prove the property is needed for a legitimate governmental purpose, and except when the property owner is paid fair market value plus 10% for their trouble.

Mom Answers Important Questions From Opponent

noreply@blogger.com (Editor) — Fri, 15 Sep 2006 05:11:00 +0000

For anybody who doesn't think I'm a serious candidate, think again. I got some very important questions on this blog already, and I just announced my campaign today.

That's what happens when your last name is unique yet instantly recognizable around the world. My opponents have no chance against me. No chance at all.

What follows is my response to Libertarian Presidential Candidate Kent McManigal and I'm sure everyone will find those answers to be both brilliant and thought-provoking.

Hiya, Kent, and thanks for blogging. That's showing good leadership.

I will answer your very important issue questions in the order received, although of course like any good President I reserve the right to later say I didn't say what I said:

"Wanna debate?"

Sure, that would be a lot of fun. We could have the very first blogospheric debates in history. Sure, it'll be a pain in the ass for people to go back and forth between our blogs, but that's their problem, not ours.

"Paper or plastic?"

Paper. Plastic takes too long to biodegrade and, even more importantly, it doesn't keep my groceries upright in the trunk.

"Do you plan any hunger strikes?"

I would, except that, if I lost too much weight, everybody would then automatically assume I'm a supermodel rather than a serious Presidential candidate. I therefore don't see the publicity value in starving myself, unless of course I simultaneously shave my head, wear a toga, perform an exorcism, and threaten to set myself on fire.

"If not togas, what about suits of armor?"

I can wear a dress ... er, I mean, a toga ... without looking like a really ugly cross-dresser. My opponent Gene Chapman can't make that claim, and I doubt you can either. That's yet another important reason why everyone in America should vote for "Mom" in the 2008 elections!

I'm kinda petite, so the suit of armor might be a bit much for me. I might make my Halloween Advisor wear one, though.

"Does it really depend on what the definition of "is" is?"

Yes, it does, and in fact that is the most important question facing our great country today. See, "is" is a real word, unless you're under investigation while President. Then, its definition mysteriously becomes so ambiguous that not even Daniel Webster could define it. I plan to use that Presidential prerogative to my full advantage, especially if Brad Pitt visits the White House.

"Does this make my butt look fat?"

No, your butt does not look fat in that. Wait a minute - are you trying to tell me that my butt looks fat in this? Damn, now I'm going to have to change clothes. Gee, thanks, Kent. Thanks a lot.

Mom announces Campaign Advisors

noreply@blogger.com (Editor) — Fri, 15 Sep 2006 03:34:00 +0000

Mom announced her campaign staff today, much to the consternation of those named.

Campaign Advisor: Tommy Texino.

Musical Advisor: "Weird" Al Yankovic.

Halloween Advisor: Stephen King

Drug Czar: Tommy Chong.

"I fully expect to add more advisors later, but this initial list will show people just how serious I am about this campaign", Mom stated.

Anyone interested in becoming a campaign advisor should leave a comment, explaining which position they seek, and their qualifications for that position.

ElfNinosMom Announces Campaign Theme Songs

noreply@blogger.com (Editor) — Thu, 14 Sep 2006 23:54:00 +0000

Presidential Candidate ElfNinos Mom announced today that she will enact a revolutionary way to attract voters from all walks of life: use multiple campaign songs. "I just thought I needed something that wingnuts of every flavor can relate to", she said in a telephone interview today. "The Democrats won't like the same song as the Libertarians, and the Libertarians won't like the same songs as the Republicans. You get the idea."

The decision of which songs to use, however, wasn't easy. "Do you have any idea how much crap I had to listen to? I thought my ears were going to bleed before it was over with!"

Ms. Mom finally made a decision, though, thanks to the good old-fashioned common sense for which she is known. "I had to find something that would reflect the various segments of our society, but it had to be something I could stomach as well since I'll have to listen to them over and over again. We all know Bush engaged in public vomiting, and that didn't work out very well for him. Besides, I want people to laugh with me, not at me."

There were some serious considerations, though. "If I'm going to offend one part of the population, I have to be politically correct and offend them all equally." At the same time, Ms. Mom was very careful to not repeat the mistakes made in previous elections. "There's just no way I'm going to use any of that "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow" crap."

Ms. Mom finally decided on the following songs to start her campaign:

For the Libertarians: "Hash Pipe" by Weezer

For the Democrats: "Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger

For the Republicans: "Man In The Box" by Alice In Chains

For the Religious Right: "God Am" by Alice In Chains

"This is the most important decision this campaign will face," Ms. Mom stated. "I'm not going to rush it, though I might eventually Rush it. I'll have to come up with more songs to fit other segments of society, but this will get us started."

ElfNinosMom Announces 2008 Presidential Campaign

noreply@blogger.com (Editor) — Thu, 14 Sep 2006 21:58:00 +0000

For General Release:

Author, journalist, and general-purpose smartass ElfNinos Mom has announced her intention to seek the 2008 Presidential Nomination from all US political parties, including but not limited to the Democratic, Republican, Green, and Libertarian parties.

Asked why she is running a pseudo-campaign, Mom replied, "Look, evil prevails when good men (and women) fail to act. You know, and I know, that no one outside the mainstream is going to win this election. But look around us. There is evil everywhere, especially in the upper echelons of our government. By evil, I'm not referring to a biblical type of evil, but simply men and women who are beyond amoral when it comes to their chosen cause. I may not be able to win, but if I can reach the minds and hearts of some, whether through serious statements or humor, and make them realize that we have no choice but to stand up to the powers that be if we are to end this evil and take back our country, then my actions - or antics, as the case may be - will not have been in vain."

Asked why she was running for the nomination of so many different parties, when she herself is a Democrat-turned-Libertarian, she responded, "Why should I put all my eggs in one basket? If one party doesn't like me, another one will. It doesn't matter what party I'm representing, because my views are my views, and that won't change no matter what label is placed on them. Plus, I'm looking forward to making 200K a year for pissing off millions of people every time I open my mouth."

Asked to comment on her competition, Mom stated, "Well, look at them. In the Libertarian Party we've got a guy who wears a toga, a filthy-mouthed comedian, a pothead, a worldwide ink demand specialist (whatever the hell that is), and a wannabe model/actress who seems to be stalking the ghost of John Denver. In the Green Party, we've got .... well, the same people who always run, and always lose. In the Democratic Party, we've got some guy who's not much more than a child, with only one term in Congress, which he thinks qualifies him for the Presidency. We've got the wife of an ex-President, known mostly for turning the other cheek when her husband was acting like a man-whore. In the Republican Party, we've got mostly a bunch of short-bus graduates from families with money and Ron Paul, who has some decent ideas but otherwise is a laughingstock since he seems to be at least peripherally connected to groups like the 9-11 truthers. I'm just as qualified as any of them, since at least my sanity isn't in question, and my name - "Mom" - is the most highly recognized and respected name in the world. There's nothing more American than Mom, as we are all well aware. So I figure I'll win in a landslide, especially if I use a catchy campaign song."

Mom will announce her platform, campaign song, and campaign staff in the coming days, all of which is expected to contain some surprises. "I can't tell you details right now, but I guarantee you'll be astonished at the level of expertise I sought."